I Got an "F"

That's an "F" for FUCK YEAH!

Read it 'n Weep it!

     The last time I blogged on here was in August of 2014. As you can probably guess from the picture above, it's because I've been pretty wrapped up attending my first semester of school. Pride is normally a virtue that disgusts me, and I try my very best to not display it unless I absolutely feel I deserve to do so, and getting a 4.0 GPA is something I am not ashamed to feel proud of. It took a lot of hard work, and several things had to happen in order for this to become possible, including a shitty living situation (and my courage to use it to my advantage). Especially helpful, though, was the support and inspiration of many people who helped and encouraged me along the way. 

     As most of you know, May 28th 2010 was one of the worst days of my life. I lost my business and ultimately had to move in with my parents. That whole situation really fucked me all up, vaulting me into one of the worst bouts of depression I've ever faced. But going to college would not have been possible had I stayed in Sacramento driving my cab. My depression and insomnia would have continued to dictate how I was going to live, one night blending into the next with no discernible future. After a lot of sulking in my room while playing video games and watching baseball, and taking a really long walk, I learned about response-ability. Sure, I could have put a gun in my mouth, or settled for working at the dry cleaners for the rest of my life because it was easy and I could get away with a lot of shit, but we all know that the majority of shitimum wage jobs offer no real future, nor can a person make it on their own with that kind of money. For as much as I absolutely hate living here with my parents, I knew that my job at the cleaners was not going to lead to my independence or get me laid. I could be stuck there for the rest of my life, or I can take advantage of the fact that I don't have any major bills, such as rent, to worry about. So I decided it was time to get my shit together and go to school. 

     

Principles of American Constitutional Government.
Highlighters and Index Cards are my new best friends.

I started in January, taking on a full-time schedule of twelve units. During the first month I attempted to continue working. Unfortunately the cleaners aren't set up for part-time work, so I was working there full-time, as well. It got to the point where I was falling asleep on the job, which included driving a delivery route. No bueno! It was also affecting my school work. I couldn't squeeze in enough time for studying, or turn in good, solid assignments. Not being a spring chicken anymore, and not being able to simply reduce my hours, I had to quit. Again, I took advantage of an opportunity: shitty living situation; but not having any major financial issues to face. And no, my parents are not rich at all. They have their own shit to deal with, and for that, I thank them for not freaking out when I quit my job, and for supporting me the entire way. They understand the big picture of what's going on with my educational goals and what's at risk, and that in the meantime sacrifices will have to be made. 

     I need to address a couple things real quick before I continue. For anyone that's gonna hate on me for being "lucky" to be in the situation that I'm in, thanks for playing and please try again. I never once in my life asked for my entire world to come crumbling down so I could go to school without having to work because I live with my parents. I hate it. I absolutely hate it here. The environment in this house is completely toxic and full of imbalance and impatience. Any creativity I have is completely stifled and crushed. It's amazing that I have accomplished what I have so far in this situation. And don't even get me started on the stigma that I have to live with everyday as far as women are concerned. As long as I am here I am terminally single, and that's as far as I want to get into that subject for now.   

     

Solve for "n"? Pfft! Get fucked, pal. YOU solve for "n"!

As proud as I am with my 4.0, I also understand that as my education develops, things are only going to get more difficult. But I am prepared for that now, and in fact, I actually relish the challenge. Before my big walk, and before going to school, I did not want to do anything that was "hard to do." After those accomplishments, however, I discovered that as long as I understand and accept that my long-term goals are going to be hard to achieve, that acknowledgement will actually make it easier for me to face any challenge, whether it be self-imposed or completely out of my control. In a weird sort of way, I think that I will actually accomplish more if things are harder to do. Indeed, I need the challenge and the struggle in order to get shit done. It's kind of like getting a tattoo. You have to sit through several hours of intense pain in order to get the end result, but it's well worth it when you look down and see a fresh piece of permanent art on your skin. If only I could use this same resolve to quit smoking...

Academy Awards Section of this Post

For My Instructors, Teachers, Professors, and a Tutor

     To Mr. Beavers: Thank you for reminding us on the last day of class to take ownership of our own success, and to not let any vultures lurking about in the real world try to take that away from us. And for reminding us to overcome excuses to "NOT TO," like showing up for class or succeeding in our goals. And thank you for sending me a personal message; "I enjoyed our time together and I wish you well. Remember, that "A" is yours, and yours alone. You own it." And thank you for taking time out of your very busy life with your family and as the Adjunct Attorney for the state of Nevada. You showed up every Monday night, the beginning of what is surely a long work week, to spend nearly three hours until almost ten o'clock at night, to teach a course that not only doesn't pay very much, but in which many of the students wouldn't even be there if it was not a requirement for a degree from WNC.

     To Mr. Strange (yes, that's his real name): Thank you for making mathematics a more bearable subject for those that weren't interested, and easier for those who had difficulties. You're office was always open, and you helped us find the answers without always telling us the answers. Thank you for taking the time to send a message to the instructor of my next math class to keep an eye out for me (and probably on me!). Your dry, cheesy humor helped to make class go by a little faster. And thank you for playing guitar before class. It was always awesome to get out of the car and hear your acoustic echoing off the brick walls of the entrance way. 

     To Sharre, the Tutor: Thank you so much for all of your time reading my crappy papers, and helping me to make them better. Thank you for reminding me to take a chill pill and to ease up on the arrogance when I got a grade in English that I didn't like. You showed me that when my professor ripped apart one of my papers, she went way beyond the call of duty to take that much time explaining to me what I did wrong and how I could improve. And thank you for sharing your stories of  perseverance and triumph against the odds. You showed me that it is indeed possible to not let anyone hold you back when you are trying to succeed. 

     To Peggy Meyer: (speaking of English...) Thank you for encouraging me to write with my own voice, but to always try and do better, be tighter, go bigger, and be stronger. Everything you showed us in class are tools that I will be able to use for the rest of my life. And thank you for letting me get away with so much shit. I appreciate that you understood from the get-go that writing is a strength for me. You approached my papers not just as a teacher to pointing out what I may have done wrong, but as a master lending knowledge to an apprentice whose raw skill could become a fine craft with the honing of a few skills. I will be a stronger writer because of you. 

     Finally, Mrs. Vogl: I simply can not thank you enough for everything you have done for me. From sharing links to spoken word, newspaper articles related to the field of work I want to get into, sharing my work with professionals, being beyond flexible, suggesting that I should pursue a masters degree because you think I would make an excellent teacher, and a thousand other ways that you encouraged and supported me. I never imagined that there could be somebody more of a champion for my success than even myself. 

For Rebbecca and Kristin

     To my cousin Rebbecca: Because of you, I have no fucking excuse. For you to get two degrees while going through all the shit you had to go through, while raising two teenage kids, supporting my sorry ass for a few months, and working full-time, is beyond fucking belief! Your success and tireless confidence remind me that I am a fucking weakling pussy-assed little bitch, and I thank you very much for it because that gives me strength every day! 

     To my dear friend Kristin: Because of you, I have no fucking excuse (is there an echo echo echo in here). From a shy, self-doubting, introvert, to a an independent field researcher whose work has been approved by the Washington State Department of Fish and Wildlife, and now you're on your way to Washington State University on a full-ride scholarship UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!!! Thank you for letting me bug the shit out of you for the last five months whenever I had a question, or was struggling, or needed you to look at a paper for me. But mostly, thank you for getting on my ass to get my shit together, and for helping me get through the applications for school and financial aid, and basically, making me go to school in the first place, and always encouraging me along the way. I seriously could not have done this without your help and support.  

     And to my parents: Thank you for not freaking out when I had to quit my job, and for helping me out when you could. I know it's been a struggle for all of us. Not just since I've started school, but over the last four years. We have been through too many fucked-off ups-and-downs, and anything you have done to contribute to my education will be a benefit for all of us. 

     And thank you to the rest of my cheer leaders: Stef, Lori, Jeff, Jason, Mike, and anyone else out there I may have forgotten. It helps, and I appreciate it! 

For the Rest of You

     For anyone out there that wants to go to college but is afraid, I sincerely encourage you to NOT BE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY and to go for it! You can get financial aid. You can juggle family and work. You are not too dumb. Learning in of itself is a learned skill. Very few of us can just pick up a guitar and shred away like Steve Vai and shit. You have to practice and develop your skill. Going to school and getting a degree is not always easy, but hugely beneficial. You can only open up more possibilities with a degree. Most importantly, you will feel a thousand times better about yourself. It's not easy, but I am willing to help anyone who is interested get started. 

One final thought... for as much as I hate being here, I am not allowed to complain about the view....

View from the parking lot of the little satellite campus I attend.