Letter to the Professor

Academic Research Jimbo Style

After doing some research for a paper with no luck I decided to reach out to my history professor. Here is a copy of my tirade . . .

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Ok, I've attached a photo here to show that I am not bullshitting about this. I've had problems with researching ever since I started going to college last semester. I genuinely feel I am a qualifying candidate for a Nobel Prize in the category of Literacy. Allow me to explain . . .

Researching for a paper in my English 101 class last semester about the high rate of vehicle accidents on Highway 395 a few years ago. Ask anyone (and I asked several people) if they think their odds of dying in a car accident increase with speed, and they'll tell you yes. It makes sense: crash at 45mph you get an ouch; crash 75mph you get a coroner. Everyone I asked seemed to agree. I thought this was "common knowledge." Well my instructor disagreed, and told me I needed to cite something official that validates a certain point I was trying to make. Looking through WNC's database, AS WELL AS all the Google crap, I couldn't find anything for about three days! It was deep deep deep deep DEEEEEEEP in the database that I finally found a report from the NHTSA. This report however was from the mid 1990's, and not only that, the report did not contain NEW information from any NEW studies on speed/fatality ratios, instead, it referenced BACK to a study done in the NINETEEN SIXTIES! It's also worth mentioning that no matter what words I used to search, and no matter the order I arranged them in the search, nearly 100% of the results were car vs bike/pedestrian. Not at all what I was looking for.

Fast forward to English 102, taken over the summer. I wanted to write my final on how the main character of Dances With Wolves should have been Wind In His Hair, not John Dunbar, because WIHH had a much more dynamic character arc than Dunbar (he went from hating all white people to loving Dunbar as a friend and trusted member of the community, whereas Dunbar was kinda a nice guy already, so his character arc was really no surprise). The point I was trying to make in my paper, beyond who should have actually been the main character, was that the film COULDN'T have a Native American as a main character because American pop and film culture had yet to make amends for the horribly racist and shallow representations of Native Americans previously portrayed in film history. Similar to what we discussed in class a couple weeks ago about the perception of certain people's (women, black people, etc) ability to rise above the crap ONLY with the help of the white man, DWW allows the general public to absolve themselves of the guilt about the Native American genocide ONLY through the eyes of a white man. So, since my paper was, in part, about the shitty portrayal of Native Americans in film, I needed to cite some examples. I perused through dozens and dozens of articles in the library's database. I even went into the library, asked for help, found four or five PHYSICAL books specifically of Native Americans in film, looked through them for a couple of hours, and do you know what I found? JACK FUCKING SHIT! Seriously! I am not kidding you at all. I could not find a SINGLE sentence anywhere that talked about how shitty Native Americans were portrayed. In fact, I found the exact opposite! According to the research materials I found, Native Americans have actually been portrayed in a positive light! Well gee! I guess I'm just a dumb-ass. I had NO idea that displaying an entire society for nearly a hundred years in American film as hell-bent war-raging savages devoid of culture, heritage, spirituality, and craftsmanship walking around saying "how" and "yes Kemosabe" was positive and perfectly acceptable. Ya learn something everyday I guess.

Present day. Decided to do a little research on my paper before writing the abstract. Since I really don't know what the content of the paper will be until I write it, or at least have a small wealth of information on my chosen topic, it would be difficult to summarize anything. Of course, I could write the abstract first: "Here's the problem/issue being researched, why it's important, and the results," but then there's a good chance that the paper itself would end with "My research shows otherwise and I was completely wrong about everything and/or couldn't prove my point and I will be now and forever discredited amongst all academic circles for the rest of my life." So . . I start with Catherine the Great. I remember reading in chapter nine about her role in education. I figured hey, here's a powerful woman (I'm always down for that) promoting a more educated populace (always down for that, too). What's not to like about that? A prominent figure in history during a prominent era. Surely there's an expansive resource of information on this, right? Searching for Catherine the Great, enlightenment, and education, all in different variations and orders of the words, again, I find nothing! I could find plenty of info on Catherine, but nothing pertaining to enlightenment or education. I could find stuff about the Enlightenment, but nothing to do with Catherine or education. Basically, I could get one out of the three. Ok, so Catherine the Great is far too abstract an idea for a paper (Nobel prize, please?), let's try something else. AH! How about how the British were way ahead with Enlightenment ideas compared to their counterparts on the continent? I'm thinking it would be cool to delve into whether their isolation as an island-state played a bigger impact for their enlightenment; or was it their cultural attitudes towards the commoners that allowed them to get the upper-hand? We just talked about it in class, it's fresh in my mind, it's a fairly popular country with a pretty long history etc etc. Again, SURELY there must be a VASTLY EXPANSIVE amount of juicy information for me to be able to use in a paper as a legit source for research and citation purposes, right? So I start with a seemingly easy and innocent set of terms for my search: "great britain and the enlightenment." Straight forward enough, I think. What do you think? I now direct your attention to the attached file, a screenshot of my search results:

Can you see why I'm upset?!

The first result is about religious rituals!
The second result is about motherfucking CHINA!
The third result is about Africa. AFRICA!!!
The fourth result is about TONY GOD DAMNED BLAIR!!!!! He was born WAY WAY WAAAAY after the enlightenment!
The fifth result at least has the word "enlightenment" in it, and it's the first one, even! But . . . it's about abolitionism!

First of all, I apologize for the profanity, but you seem like a pretty chill and open minded dude, and it's obvious that I'm frustrated. Besides, seeing as how you're a Raiders fan I know for a fact you have seen and heard some pretty traumatizing shit in your life. I really am at my wit's end here. I certainly don't mean to just dump all of this on you for no good reason, but I do have a good reason. Either what I am looking for does not exist (this is where I get my Nobel prize, right?), or, the more likely truth, I am terrible at researching. I just don't know what to do. I mean, I'd love to go play History Detective on PBS and travel to quaint little villages of the American north-east, delicately and thoroughly sifting through 200 year old hand written correspondences between gentleman having a civilized two year literary argument about the ramifications of industrialization versus the moral ambiguity of forced labor, but I simply don't have the time or finances for that sort of fun.

If there's one thing I've learned about writing papers in an academic context it's that you better be able to back your shit up, and that's why I went into such detail about my previous experiences. I am my own primary source in this instance. And as you can see, so far I've learned that A) unless you dig deep into the internet archives of a government website you can just walk away from a 75mph collision and collect your ten-thousand dollar settlement from a locally televised accident-injury attorney, and B) I don't know shit about Indians or film history.
Anything you can do to help is greatly appreciated! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go Google "things that are blue," just so I can find some shit that's red. Thank you, sir!

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