2014 Super Bowl Commercial Reviews!

It's that time of year again, folks! The big day where everyone watches the "Big Game" and pigs out on shitty but awesome snack foods. You don't have to be a fan of American football to enjoy this unofficial holiday. It's kinda like Thanksgiving 2.0. Except that the yelling and screaming is directed towards the television, not relatives. And actually, the big day was yesterday.

One reason a lot of people watch the Super Bowl is to see all the nifty new advertising campaigns during commercial breaks. After seeing a few of these, I felt I had to offer my thoughts on some of them. I just simply HAVE TO! So let's jump right in!

First up, the Maserati commercial... 


For the first 1 minute and 9 seconds of this ad, I'm thinking "Oh great, another Ipad commercial". Or maybe it's for Nike. Or better yet, maybe it's one of those big financial firms trying to convince us that they feel genuine guilt for anal raping the face of the American economy, and by the way, "Use a black kid, so they think we're not racist". 

This commercial pissed me off to no fucking end! First of all, it's a MASERATI, not a FUCKING IPAD! It felt as if a really hot woman tied me up, blindfolded me, and started giving me the best handjob ever. But then when the blind was pulled off, it was actually the cable guy the whole time. I don't need a full minute and nine seconds of drama and poetry and "avant garde" artsy fartsy bullshit. I don't need some cute little kid pretending to be wise to sell me a FUCKING MASERATI!!! All I need, is THE CAR! Show me the god damned car! And give me plenty of soundbites of that sweet roar of the engine! Seriously, if you can, listen to this on headphones. If your angry little cock doesn't get hard (that goes for you too, ladies) when that engine roars to life, then you are not human, and should be IMMEDIATELY ejected from the planet! 

Next up, teaser trailer for "Need for Speed"

Now, THIS is how you show off cars! I'm sure it'll be a terrible terrible terrible terrible terrible movie. BUT, it has all I need to peak my interest. Lots of bad ass cars making bad ass sounds, a gun shot, and one cute little one-liner at the end. Perhaps the only improvement, as obvious as it sounds, would be a quick shot of a hot babe in a bikini and stripper shoes. Other than that, this ad was perfect. Didn't waste my time, and jacked me off to completion in a timely and interesting manner.

Our third entry, CHEERIOS!!!

Ok, I thought this was adorable and funny. When that cute little girl sees dad's baby, and raises him a puppy, the look on her face is absolutely priceless! I'd hate to ever have to play poker against her, cause she'd take all my money! The reason I bring up this commercial is because there has been some people out there that got all butt hurt about seeing a bi-racial family. Probably more true to the point, a black man with a white wife. WHO GIVES A FUCK?! My God! Worrying about mixed race couples in this day and age is like worrying that there's not enough asbestos in your shitty Cheerios! FUCK OFF! 

And now for our next installment of "Shit That Really Pisses Jimbo Off", Bud Light FUCK YEAH AMERICA GO!!!!!


So Bud Light's "new cool twist" in hyper-tech beer dispensing technology is a "reclosable" lid? Really? What's next, Bud Light? Quantum computers? Androids? Time Travel? What innovation will you present us with next, forever defining Mankind's role in the greater expanse of the Multiverse? 

Seriously folks, IT'S BEER! No where on Earth should a man or woman crack open a cold one, take a couple drinks, and then think to themselves "Ok, that was refreshing, I'll save the rest for later". You crack open a beer, YOU DRINK THAT MOTHERFUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER! (please take care to notice the comma between the two motherfucker's, thank you)

Last on the list, an ad from Subway. The sandwich shop that everyone know's is the healthiest alternative to traditional fast food, sponsored by America's finest Olympiads.
the video above is NOT the original video from the Super Bowl. The link to that video has been changed to "private" 
and no longer works. But this video is more or less the same thing.

I made this tee hee hee

That's right folks..... WHAT THE FUCK!!! For the last decade or so, Subway's advertising campaign has been all about "healthy" fast food, ever since that fat fuck, Jared, lost like 736 pounds or some shit by eating only at Subway for however the fuck long he could stand doing that shit before ripping his tongue out. Eventually the athletes started chiming in, endorsing subway like it was fucking Jesus Christ the Almighty himself or some shit.

Look, I am ALL FOR Fritos topped with greasy fried cheese on my sandwich or pizza or whatever the fuck I happen to be shoveling down my foodhole at any particular given moment. And I have zero problem with Subway trying to diversify their menu choices. But for these athletes, people that supposedly represent a healthful lifestyle and should be role models for the children, to have their faces plastered all over this ad is just pure and simple BULLSHIT! Give me a fucking break! I practically live off this shitty diet of salty/fried/pre-fab crap, and look what it's done to me....

Now, if that ain't the epitome of athletic prowess and complete fuck-a-bility, well then I just don't know what the fuck anymore.....

PEACE OUT!